Sometimes You Get What You Want
by Mary E. Stephens
Dec. 2024
Psalm 27:13-14 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Hebrews 13:5
Let your
conversation be
without covetousness; and be
content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never
leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Sometimes we want things that are not good for us. One of the sad, strange things of this life is to see someone who is so desperate for something that they cannot take "no" for an answer, and so God allows them to have the thing they think they must have. But, it turns out to be something troubling or disappointing.
A lot of us have learned this general fact of life the hard way, perhaps even when we were children. One of my earliest memories of this happening to me is from when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I went to TG&Y dime store with my grandparents to get ice cream. As I recall, I told them that I could eat an ice cream cone with two scoops of ice cream on it (I think they were generous scoops), and they ordered me one against their better judgment. I know something went wrong. I don't remember if I dropped it or made myself sick or had to give it to my grandpa to finish, but my grandparents gave me my coveted ice cream "double dip" cone and it didn't turn out the way I expected. I guarantee you that they pointed this fact of life out to me, because they were good that way.
The world is full of voices telling us we need this or that to be happy, content, fulfilled, etc. It is easy to fall into this way of thinking about things that we especially desire. But, it becomes more dangerous when we convince ourselves, for whatever reason, that something is "God's will" for us.
Sometimes people decide that they are “supposed” to have
or do some certain thing because “it’s God’s will” for them. They will pray and pray and struggle over it, and then they will
sometimes resort to doing things to make
whatever it is happen, even in spite of the fact that God has kept the
obvious doors shut.
Coveting Marriage
One significant area of life where we see this
is when someone is determined to get what they want in the matter of
marriage. People will rush into things, make bad choices, or manipulate
the situation when they
desperately want to get married and refuse to wait patiently on the Lord. Whether it is a man or a woman doesn’t
make a lot of difference. Some people think that women
should never do any pursuing whatsoever, but it is sometimes considered ok
for men to push into marriage. While it is more likely to be seen as
inappropriate for ladies, it can be wrong in either case, and
there are both men and women who have obviously married
outside of the Lord’s will simply because they thought they had to have
a spouse "no matter what.
One problem I see here is that it is usually assumed, encouraged, and even
taught that it is God’s will for every Christian adult to be married and
have a family. Although my own parents had friends they loved and
respected who were single their whole lives, and although they didn’t
belittle that or consider it a “less than” life for them, they still
tended to give us the impression that it was God’s will for each of
us to get married. Generally speaking, most young people will get
married at some point, especially in the Christian context. Parents
should teach their children skills to be good parents and spouses, but I think it would be wise to be verbally
biblical in our talk on
these subjects. For example saying, “If the Lord gives you a husband/wife
someday...” or “If the Lord gives you children someday...”
instead of “You are going to have a
husband/wife someday...” or “You will have children of
your own someday...”.
You see the first statements give room for the
possibility that the Lord may not give those things. Since we cannot
see the future, it is wiser for kids to hear us talk in terms of
allowing God to be God, rather than stating things as a foregone
conclusion. From my own experience (not being married till I was 38 and
not having children), I believe it would have been beneficial for
me to have heard “If the Lord wills this for you...” instead of “This is
what you will have someday...” The power of suggestion is very strong.
When we’re told over and over growing up that things will turn out a
certain way, it’s obvious we will grow to expect them.
So, a person goes along through life expecting
to get married someday and that someday never seems to show up. After
praying and praying and praying, the person may decide to fix the
"problem." A man may be nagged by his family members or people in the
church that he needs to “find himself a wife.” A woman may be
“encouraged” to be “more available” and told different things she can do
that will supposedly make her more "pursuable." For various reasons, a
person may become desperate and decide to accept something they can get
instead of waiting for someone who truly loves the Lord and strives to
walk in honor before Him. Then when everything falls apart later, people
are horrified and appalled, but those who may have pressured the person
into marrying in haste usually don’t admit that they pushed this person
into the mess. Maybe there is abuse, unfaithfulness, or lack of interest
in spiritual things. These are things that can happen anyway when a
spouse wanders from the truth, but in some instances they are
predictable. When someone marries as a desperate act in order to "have
something," it can be a real challenge and sorrow, both for them
and those who love them.
In other cases where a person marries in desperation, the problems may not be so obvious, but those closest to the woman or man know that they settled for something a lot less than God's best. It may not be obvious to all, but they are living in a marriage that constantly drags them down instead of building them up, as a good marriage should.
But,
they got what they wanted. They got
what they expected. Perhaps they even got what they were told they were “supposed” to have. Now it
isn’t what they thought it would be, or what they should have had. They
didn’t wait on the Lord, and/or people didn’t encourage them to wait on the
Lord, and they ended up in a mess.
My parents knew of three or four women who married some “great, godly guy” they met at Bible college. All of the men in question turned out to be really terrible people. One man, after he had married the young lady began to abuse her and eventually commanded her to stop going to church, told her she was not to see her parents, and so forth. I don’t know if these situations are always avoidable in every instance. I know that Satan can be extremely deceitful and so too can his children and servants, which is why we are warned about this. But, I would guess that in many cases there are probably red flags if people were looking for them and weren’t so focused on a specific outcome. If they were more focused on “Lord what wilt thou have me to do?” it would help a lot.
2 Corinthians 11:13-15 For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.
Coveting Children
Psalm 62:5-6 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved.
Childbearing is another area that I’ve noticed
people following the “must be God’s will” thinking instead of “is this
God’s will?” In some ways this one seems to have an even stronger hold on
people. I think it’s because the assumption is that if you’re married
“it is God’s will for you to have children”
I have a friend who is barren. It has taken her
a lot to come to accept this from the Lord and embrace it. She came from
a very baby focused family and it was something she just took for
granted for herself when she got married. She and I have both noted that
we know people who prayed and prayed, begging God for babies, and could
not be content without them. Some
resorted to artificial means when their prayer wasn’t answered to their
liking. Some
adopted children. But, in a number cases that we know of, when the
couples finally got what they were asking for, it didn’t turn out to be
what they expected. Some of the children were physically disabled or
suffered from severe chronic illness. Some of the children turned out to
be a real disappointment to the parents over the long run. In the case
of some adopted children, they rebelled or returned to their birth families and left
the training and their adopted parents behind.
I am not saying that it is always wrong to adopt
or to seek forms of natural and/or medical help to allow for having
children. Sometimes I think it may be God’s will for people to do that.
But, in more than one case I have seen people get less than
great results when their mindset was that they just HAD to have
children, no matter the cost and no matter what God thought about it. And
so, God gave them what they thought they
had to have, and it has been a sorrow to them one way or another ever
since.
People have a very hard time to "suffer need" in
certain areas of life without going out and getting the thing they want
on their own terms. To me, this is extremely tragic. It is so
perilous to reach beyond what God has done for us and say that we HAVE
to have something in order to be fulfilled or “in God’s will.” There are
things that we do have to have to be in God’s will, but they are not
children or spouses or houses or cars or money or jobs or a whole lot of
other things. What we have to have is the mind of Christ, salvation,
giving of thanks, faith, humility, etc. Food and raiment are the
measures of contentment with earthly necessities. We often fail to
realize how very little that actually is.
Oh, if God wants you married and you refuse,
that’s just as much of a problem, and it does happen. If God wants you
to have children and you refuse that’s a problem too, and He may
overrule you in a way that doesn’t make you too happy at the time. I
know of a lady who was miserable when she got pregnant because she never
wanted children, despite being happily married.
But, there are those people who insist on doing everything possible to have a baby because they are convinced that they can’t be happy and truly blessed without one. Then they may get what they wanted, but end up with a dangerous multiple pregnancy, a child with severe disabilities, and many similar difficulties. Some people keep praying for and having children until the mother’s body literally gives out and she dies of some health condition that happened because her body was over-stressed and overworked. Then the other children are deprived of having their own mother to help raise them. And this can all happen when people are discontent with a few children and a happy, healthy mama.
Some people keep trying and trying because they just have to have a boy or a girl because they aren't content with the kids, who are all of one sex or the other, that God has already allowed them to have. Then when they get that one they really wanted something tragic may happen - bad health or, as in one case I ran across, an older brother in a family of all boys ended up molesting his one and only little sister. But, the parents got what they wanted.
Coveting Other Things
In other areas of life there are people who
think they just have to have a certain type of house, a certain car,
property of their own where they can be “self-sufficient,” a certain
education for themselves or their children - the list goes on. But, when they get the thing they just had to have, it turns
out to be a curse or a burden instead of the blessing they imagined it
would be. Maybe their dream house turns out to be in a bad neighborhood.
Maybe their property turns out to be unusable for their intended
purposes because of local laws and requirements. Maybe their remote
retreat from the “dangerous world” turns out to be a curse to them when
they develop chronic health trouble that requires constant trips into
the city. You get the idea.
Idolatry and Leanness of Soul
Again, sometimes God gives people what they want, and also trouble and turmoil and leanness of soul. Speaking of the Hebrews during their wilderness journey when they were constantly whining and coveting the alleged "luxuries" of their slavery in Egypt, the Psalmist writes, And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
Sometimes the thing we want so badly isn't worth the pain that comes with it. Sometimes the very thing we think we need will bring us into a situation where our souls are hungry and hurting. Many things can go bad when we insist upon our own way, but the leanness that comes into our souls is perhaps the most desolating aspect of it.
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
We need to trust that God knows what He is doing. He has reasons for what He does and does not do, and He doesn’t have to tell us why or get our permission.
He really, actually doesn’t want some people married. Yes, there are some people called to remain single their entire lives. It isn't a popular truth in some quarters, but that doesn't change the Bible or God's will. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
Some of us should not have kids, even though we
are married. In some few situations, such as my own, God gives light to
see the potential dangers, and He expects us to make a wise decision with
the information He gives us. To others He gives infertility. Yes, I just
said He gives them infertility. Did you know that there are people who
God actually doesn’t want to have children? In this day and age I’m
afraid this idea is rather shocking to some. I don’t say that He might
not lead some people to use other methods, particularly adoption, to
have children. But, I firmly believe that there are people who He simply
doesn’t want to have children, and instead of them accepting this and
learning to be content in that state, they thrash around trying to find
a “solution” to “their problem." Sadly, most other Christians will encourage
them in that rather than encouraging them to be content with the state
God has given them.
He lets some Christians live in small houses, in
cities, in “unsafe” locations, in hard times, even homelessness, because
He has a purpose in it. Yes, it is His will for them.
God doesn't always give us the family, pastor, job, education, or college we think we need to have.
My family prayed for one lady who went to prison
for several years unjustly accused. They did all they could to keep her
out, but she was sentenced in the face of clear evidence of innocence
and went to prison. While she was there she was able to start a Bible
study and be a witness to the women she was around. She took it as from
the Lord and put her hand to the work He gave her to do. (How very hard
that would be!) But, her faith was such that she accepted evil from
the hand of the Lord as well as good and believed it was His will for
her and for His glory, if she would do her part.
How is it that we can’t trust the Lord when He says we shouldn’t have children or that we shouldn’t have any more? How is it that we can’t accept that He doesn’t want some of His children married? How come we think we need a big house or a nice car or expensive clothes or more education or whatever it may be in order to be “happy”? Obviously, some things we are allowed to make choices in, but we need to be sure that we are doing it for the glory of God and not our own selfish desires.
Sometimes we get what we want even when it is
not God’s will for us. I don’t say that God can’t overrule us, because
He can and does. But, like human parents, sometimes when we beg and
wheedle and set out to get what we want in spite of Him, He will let us
have whatever it is so that we can learn that our thoughts really are
not His thoughts and that we lack His infinite wisdom. When we will not
humble ourselves under His mighty hand (1
Peter 5:6), sometimes He has to make sure we
are humbled because pride is one of the six things He particularly hates
(Proverbs 6:16-19).
Conclusion
Let’s trust the Lord that He knows what He’s
doing - for us and for our fellow believers. Let’s adjust our speech to
help others and ourselves accept that God does not give everyone the
same things in this life. Let’s believe God is good and talk like it,
even when He doesn’t give us or the Christian next to
us the things that were expected humanly. Let’s not demand our own way
and seek it by human strength or maneuvering. Let’s walk not after the
flesh, but after the Spirit and be content with such things as we have
instead of insisting that because “everyone else has this, I should have
it too.” Let’s walk by faith and not by sight, because what we see is so
often not what God sees and is far from the things that He planned for
us. Some of our choices in such matters can lead to lifelong miseries or
sorrows. It isn’t worth it.
Sometimes, when we make our own will our idol and yet pretend that
we are still seeking God's will, He will answer us according to the
idols of our heart. In other words, He will allow us to be told what we
want to hear. And, to be clear: sometimes we get what we
want. But, it is not going to end well, and it's a very foolish game to
play.
background and graphics by Mary Stephens
vintage graphic: unknown source